How I Know I’m In Love

How I Know I’m In Love

 

 

Love is when you start to believe in foolish, childish things such as “fairytales,” “love at first sight” and “magic” again. 

 

 

 

 

 

A few years back, one of my good friends asked me, “How do you know if you’re in love?” I answered almost instantly, “Well, I know I’m in love when he’s the very first thing that pops into my head when I wake up every morning.” And that was entirely true.

 

He was the very first thing on my mind and I don’t even have to think about it. It just happens. I wake up and think of him even before I open my eyes. And then, I would sweep through the side of my bed, under my sheets and my pillow in the hopes of locating my phone. And with only one eye opened, I would text him the sweetest good morning message and wish him a good day. That was my daily morning ritual before getting my ass off the bed and brushing my teeth. And for two years and eight months, I never got tired of doing it and I never missed a day. I knew then, from the very first day he popped into my mind, that, “Oh, boy! I’m in love with this guy.”

 

Had my friend asked me a year earlier, back when my ex and I are still together, I’m confident that I can tell him more ways than that but after being single for more than five years, I’m not sure anymore.

 

After the break up, all I remembered was how it all started and how it ended. Everything that happened in between was just like a figment of my imagination. There were flashes of memories that would randomly cross my mind. Sometimes, I was inclined to think that maybe they actually did happen because of the eidetic quality of those memories but then again, maybe not. I wasn’t sure anymore. It’s like having a selective amnesia; only, I don’t actually get to “select” which memories I’d remember.

 

Since then, I had not met anyone who made me feel in love again. Or maybe I did. I was just too guarded to recognize, let alone acknowledge the feeling. I don’t know. I couldn’t tell anymore. And it’s not that I didn’t get myself out there. I did and I had my fair share of the socializing and the flirting piece of the pie but to no avail. No one had that same effect on me. No one stood out. To be fair, I did feel a certain level of infatuation. But that was all. I was careful enough not to fall for the wrong guy or any guy, for that matter. My love life was sedentary for five years. It chose to succumb to its own lethargy.

 

Until that one hazy night…

 

So one hazy night after our little trip to Vivo City, my friend and I decided to hangout at Señor Taco, listen to our playlist, go grab a dinner and then, go home. Well, that was the plan. Was!

 

We went to Clarke Quay and stopped by the ladies’ room for a while to touch up. I remembered taking my facemask off in the bathroom and applying lip balm, I mean, it’s Clarke Quay.

 

My friend was walking in front of me. It was a little crowded for a Thursday night so I couldn’t really see what was ahead of me. I was looking down following her footsteps. And then, we arrived at Señor Taco. We were headed straight to the bar. And there was this guy standing by one of the tables set up by the walkway. I think he was alone, which I find weird, actually. So while I was passing by, he smiled his biggest and said, “Hi!” in an ecstatic yet manly kind of way. I was caught off guard for half a second. And I strongly believe that it was my inner goddess who saved me from what could have been an awkward situation. My inner goddess smiled back with her laughing eyes and said, “Hiii!” in an overly ecstatic yet slightly weirded out kind of way. That was our very first conversation. And since then, I never forgot “that smile”. I’ve seen tons of beautiful smiles and fell for it once (Fine, I’ll admit it, I’m a sucker for cute smiles) but there’s something…uhmm…I wouldn’t say different but there really is something about “that smile”.

 

That smile got me into drinking a pitcher of long island cocktail just so I could talk and spend more time with him. So we all stayed there until 3am abolishing the plan that was, altogether. He sent me home like a modern-day knight following my friend’s biddings. I think he’s not really used to doing that. It was so obvious in his reactions but it was nice of him to do it anyway.

 

It’s funny how I remembered this particular incident in the most vivid, detailed way like it just happened yesterday. And that’s not even the entire of it. I skipped the part where we kissed right there at the bar, in front of the bar’s cook…and everyone there. And I could talk for hours just to bore you with the blow-by-blow account of what happened that night. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him.

 

Yes, it was all that romantic, like a fairytale story. It was magical. It is the kind of love that transcends beyond the human thought process. I never believed in love at first sight up until that night. I just saw “that smile” and knew right then and there that I was in love. And I still am.

 

Everything went smoothly that very same day. It was so perfect. It’s like the stars, the moon, the planets and the entire universe conspired and made it all happen. Before deciding to go to Señor Taco, my friend and I went to the newly opened H&M branch at Vivo City to buy the tank top that we wanted so badly. It was a Swedish House Mafia tank top that they sell for S$27.90. We found the top and it was marked down to S$5.90 apiece – best deal ever! And as luck would have it, there were only two pieces left. After that, we dropped by Candylicious at Sentosa to get our rock candies. The store was already closed but charming as we are, we talked our way in and got the candies that we came there for. Pure luck? Maybe not. I mean, Señor Taco wasn’t even part of the original plan. It was just a random whim we thought of while riding the train home. I didn’t even have money that night. I borrowed money from my friend just to get that tank top but I ended up having dinner and drinking at a bar at this fancy hangout place. So I guess not. It’s not just pure luck.

 

Before that night, I didn’t know what Love looks like. I wouldn’t recognize Love even if he stands naked in front of me. I wouldn’t know it was him even if he shouts right in my face. But when I saw him that night, I just knew. I am in love. He was Love. Since then, I knew what love is…

 

Love is when you wear your own perfume and is reminded of that one person. That time when you were spooning and he smelled the part of your back just below your nape and told you that you smelled really nice was when you decided that that perfume was a keeper.

 

Love is when you hold his hand and feel it near your face as you sleep like nothing else in the world could give you a more satisfying feeling.

 

Love is when you hold on even if you’re not sure where you stand in his life.

 

Love is when you love without expecting to be loved in return.

 

Love is when you drink Corona Extra with lime with him and won’t feel the same if you do it with someone else.

 

Love is when you cry for that person for no reason at all.

 

Love is when you get hurt because it means that you care enough for that person to feel badly enough.

 

Love is when you are not afraid to show your vulnerabilities to that person.

 

Love is when you can fart in front of him.

 

Love is when you enjoy quiet moments with him as much as you enjoy all the sex.

 

Love is when you still want to see him despite the fact that it wouldn’t work out in the first place.

 

Love is when you decide that it is one of the battles worth fighting for.

 

Love is when you trust your intuition and not worry about it even though [you think that] you are the most rational and mature person in this planet.

 

Love is when you picture yourself with him in the future.

 

Love is when he piggyback rides you in public and asks you to do silly stuff (e.g. high five a signage, close the lid of a garbage can, open the taxi door, etc.) and you don’t give a shit.

 

Love is when you are willing to do just about everything to cheer him up.

 

Love is when you both love Coke Light. #soulmates

 

Love is when you go to the beach and lay there in the sand, talk about random stuff, sing the Imperial March, and listen to random songs on your phones until two in the morning.

 

Love is when you can tell each other everything; no holds barred.

 

Love is when you smoke hookah and then, argue the next day about which flavor you smoked. But for the record, it’s strawberry.

 

Love is when you still choose to love even if your heart gets broken quite a few times.

 

Love is when you watch polar bears together and you both agree that the only word to describe them was “majestic,” and then, have sex after.

 

Love is when you start to believe in foolish, childish things such as “fairytales,” “love at first sight” and “magic” again.

 

 

So to that guy who makes my heart go “wahwahwah,” the sexy beast who never fails to turn me on, I want to let you know that “I love you.” Love is a strong word, I know. But fuck it! I love you, okay?

 

Thank you for making me believe in “fairytales,” “love at first sight” and “magic” again.

 

I miss you soooo so much.